Challenges+in+Teen-Adult+Communication

=**The Importance of Teen-Adult Communication…**=

Teenagers know it all. Except when they don’t. Then, a little communication with an adult could make the difference between utter enjoyment and extreme agony for all involved. Too often adults assume teenagers know the intricacies of navigating the world just because they sit there, wearing the clothes of an adult, arguing for freedoms of an adult, but unable to meet the demands of being an adult. And you know you told this teen umpteenth million times before the information he or she needs to command this situation or that they having no reason being in this situation but none-the-less, here you are again, frustrated that you and your teen just don’t seem to exist in the same reality. So what happens? You fight, or you don’t and just walk away, ignoring one another. Either way, the situation is unproductive and although there may be a lot of words being thrown around, not much communication is taking place. This lack of communication can result in teens getting into all sorts of trouble and the adults who care about them making little difference in their lives. Because of an overwhelming lack of communication between adults and the teens they care for, many teens end up in seriously negative situations, such as underage drinking or using drugs, pregnancy, or legal involvement. Even in less extreme situations, teens who don’t communicate with adults are often the ones with poorer grades or higher social maladjustment. All in all, increasing teen-adult quality communication could easily be a cheap effective way to better society and create harmony throughout generations.

=**Generational Gaps, Culture & Teen-Adult Communication…**=

Just as values, beliefs, and coming of age rituals are influenced by culture, so is communication. Cultures differ on many things including how adults and adolescents interact, these can be exaggerated or diminished based on the rigidity of the family’s adherence to their culture or belief system. As society advances and technology progresses an inter-exchange of information with greater and greater ease makes it difficult to commit to traditional rigors of cultural expectations. However, overall various cultures do insist on certain interactions in terms of adult-teen communication. Culture has a large impact on how parents communicate with their children. Open cultures promote a give and take communication in which negotiation between teen and adult is allowed. Closed cultures promote strict roles of authoritarian parental figures with compliant teens who do not question authority. In some cultures a coming of age ritual allows a teen to ‘cross over’ to adulthood and then is communicated with as an adult but treated as a child until then. Here are some culturally specific teen-adult communication observations. Traditionally, Eastern world cultures are more reserved and expect more compliance with less question from adolescence who are speaking with adults. These teens often have their lives mapped out by the adults who are responsible for them. Western world cultures are more liberal, with a 'give-and-take' format for communication between adults and child. These teens usually earn or demand more autonomy than their eastern world counterparts. The insistence or impact of cultural adherence during teen-adult communication is, however, subjective to the family dynamics, beliefs, time/situation constraints and more of the individuals involved. Just as everything else does, the ultimate reason for the type or quality of teen-adult communication a being experiences is determined by the parameters set by the adult interactions with the teen throughout the his/her life up to and including the teenage years. Generationally, there is always a gap between the adults of today and their teenage counterparts. These gaps exist for many reasons, mainly societal trends, technology, national or international events, and the media. There will always be generational gaps as the young reach for the future and the old hold on to the past. These gaps cross all cultures, genders, and classes. Human beings are inevitably opinionated beings who are forced to view an infinite universe through the experiences of an insignificant existence. It can be difficult to communicate with someone who has lived through all the same generational events, a peer or friend, yet alone, understand the point of view or exchange meaningful ideas between someone who knew of life before television and someone who was texting since he/she was four.

=**Examples of Teen-Adult Communication…**=

Communicating with your teen, or your adult, can seem daunting, but there are many ways and many reasons to communicate, and many of them are natural occur without thinking. There are many times throughout the day when communication is necessary to get needs met or goals accomplished. Communicating regularly about trivial subjects can make it much easier to communicate about more difficult subjects should they arise, the lines of communication are already open.

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 * < Ways to Communicate ||< Reasons to Communicate ||
 * < # nonverbal (hug, smile)
 * 1) talk face-to-face
 * 2) phone or video phone
 * 3) text, IM, or email
 * 4) writing a letter or note ||< # share/support successes/defeats
 * 5) share likes/dislikes
 * 6) ask questions
 * 7) share information about self or others
 * 8) inform about upcoming events ||

=Video on Teen-Adult Communication…=

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=Suggestions for Improving Teen-Adult Communication…=

There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ solution for overcoming the challenges in teen-adult communication. It is difficult for adult-adult communication and almost impossible for teen-teen communication, so obviously adult-teen communication is trying at its best. Fortunately, there are a few basic skills which greatly aid communicating effectively between any two warm bodies, but especially teens and adults, because all the suggestions below demonstrate mutual respect and consideration for all parties involved. These skills include:

ACTIVE LISTENING There is a difference between //hearing// and //listening//. //Hearing// is using the two satellites (your ears) located on either side of your head to receive sound waves from your environment. //Listening// is when you take these sound waves and process them into meaningful information using your wonderful brain. Too many times, people of all ages claim to be //listening// to someone share their thoughts but are actually just //hearing// their vocal cords vibrate with endless reverberation. With practice, however, many people can discover and refine their listening skills so that they are no longer just //hearing// people talk but actually //listening// to what they are saying. Active listening takes practice; here’s some tips to improve your active listening abilities… How to listen actively 1. Focus on person speaking (no multi-tasking!). 2. Look at them and hear the words the person is saying (no interrupting!). 3. Process the meaning of the words (try not to get caught up on specific words – it’s the ideas that are important.). 4. Rephrase what person has said, or restate main idea. 5. Do not give any advice or interjections (let person complete entire thought.).

‘I STATEMENTS’ When discomfort occurs, it can make one feel better to blame others for that pain or irritation. This often results in heated arguments, rampant accusations, and even outright lies and slander! All of these expressions do nothing but impede the communication process. The best way to get one’s point across is to you ‘I statements.’ I statements are exactly that, statements made from the first person point of view giving factual and non-accusatory information or observations. ‘I statements’ rarely escalate a situation because they are non-hostile and do not cause increased discomfort for the individual who is hearing (listening…) to them. Here are some examples of situational exclamations restated as ‘I statements.’ Better yet, try writing down some common things stated in ‘you’ form and see if they can be changed to ‘I’ form. Rephrasing ‘I Statements’ 1. “You never pick up your mess!” ‘I noticed you have quite a bit of stuff out.’ 2. “You don’t understand.” ‘I think you missed my point.’

PROBLEM SOLVING Sometimes even listening to a person share his or her concerns and stating one’s own opinions using ‘I statements’ is enough to open the lines of communication but once they are open there is still the problem being communicated about. Sometimes communication is not enough, sometimes action is needed. Quality problem solving involves a lot of quality communication. Problem solving is a great way to apply active listening and ‘I statements’ to work together to create manageable compromises and reduce arguments in any relationship, including teen-adult relationships. Problem solving is a time consuming feat that can seem daunting to go through but for tough or tricky situations where absolutes are not an option or a problem is constantly reoccurring, it can be a lifesaver. Try these steps below: How to Problem Solve 1. Listen actively while each side explains using ‘I statements.’ 2. Write down specific concerns (or choose main/biggest concern). 3. Each person gives possible solutions: write down all (even unreasonable). 4. Go though each solution: - consider pros/cons of all parties involved - consider feasibility (is it realistic; can it happen?) - play out possible scenarios using solution (from both sides) 5. Narrow down solutions to 1 or 2 practical, realistic solutions. 6. Pick 1, agree on it, and try it out. 7. Reflect and reconvene after trying solution for a period of time and see: - is it working? - are all parties satisfied? - does anything need to be tweaked? 8. If it is working, great keep it up! BUT if not go back to step 5 and try again.

THE KEY TO REMEMBER

Regardless of your age or the age of the person you are communicating with the most successful and productive way to increase communication is to be reflective and consider your rapport, How are you saying things to people? Too often strings of words expressing a thought written on paper holds no threat, but that same string coupled with body language, personal history, timing, or emphasis can say volumes more than the words themselves. So what message are you really getting across? Consider your tone or your timing… how would you feel if a situation was reversed? How do you suppose the person who is receiving the message taking it? How is important is the message you are trying to communicate? Is it important enough to get across? Because if it is, changing the way it is presented could make it possible to actually communicate it to the person who needs it.

=Useful Sites & Books…=

//__ Understanding Teenagers __//– a site with some quality tips for parents of teens who are willing to try something different on their end to better communication. This link lists 5 of the most common mistakes parents make when talking with their teens. [] //__ Teen Health __//– a division of Kids Health, serving to guide teens and their parents through many tulmulous events in their lives. This link has a specific guide for teens to talk with their parents and open the lines of communication, but the whole site is full of really useful stuff about drugs and sex and jobs and school and offers advice and ways to seek help for both teens and adults. [] //__ Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups Talking __//by Mary Ackerman – a great book full of random and quirky questions to inspire communication at anytime. All of the questions are open ended and cover everyting from tricky subject matter to idealistic questions about hopes and dreams. This book would be great for any parent or teacher who wants to stack talking with their teen and get to know them. //__ How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk __//by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish – Authors of popular How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk books wrote this book, geared directly for teens and their adult caregivers, this book has their classic easy to read friendly and inviting format, with cartoon strips to emphasize their useful points. ====//__ Why Can't We Talk?: What Teens Would Share If Parents Would Listen __// by Michelle Trujillo – A book written along the lines of the //Chicken Soup for a Soul// books but aimed directed to teens by teens. The author is a teacher who has worked with teens for many years. It is a heart-warming and insightful novel for teens and adults alike.==== ====//__ The Practical Life Skills Workbook __// by Ester A Leutenberg, John J Liptak – a useful book for teachers of teens who are constantly having problems in social situations. Not so much based on communication, it aims at helping the student better understand his or her self and many his or her own life and needs. Good for special needs students or anyone needing some help understanding the basics. Knowing yourself and understanding your needs can help it understanding the needs of others and aid in being able to communicate with both peers and adults.====